Not Feeling It

I don't feel as old as I am. I'm not trying to say that I'm "old." It's just that I am 2 1/2 years away from being the big 3-0 and I haven't even grasped my 20's yet. Some days...I don't even feel my 27 years. In some ways, I've lived more life than most people my age...hell, I've lived more life than some people that are in their 50's. But in other ways, I feel as if I haven't yet begun to live. I have been with the most wonderful man for 8 years come this June. Yet, I haven't walked down the aisle. I haven't experienced the excitement of trying on bridal gowns and picking out flowers for my wedding. I've never in my LIFE been a girlie girl. I've always said that I'd be perfectly content with hopping on a plane to Las Vegas and getting married in a cute little chapel in jeans and flip flops. Then I passed 25. And I started watching as, one by one, my friends got married off. Suddenly, the idea of that "picket fence wedding" wasn't so far fetched. Then I noticed that everyone around me were having kids...sometimes their 2nd or 3rd kid! (Or maybe even 4th in some cases. Ah. You brave souls!) I haven't even mentioned careers yet. I've dreamt for as long as I can remember to be a writer and make money at it. Specifically, a writer of books. Ficitional books, if you'd like to get even more specific. It's no secret. Thing is...instead of having something grand to say like, "Hi...my name is Mary, I'm a "writer." I get to say, "Hi...my name is Mary, and I haven't had a REAL job in over 3 1/2 years but really...I have an excuse!! I'm in excruciating pain every minute of every day, and it hurts to even think about working 8 hours a day, let alone actually doing it."

You see...that's the issue here...this stupid disease. This pain that I have to endure and that I've been going through day in and day out for 3 and a half years. It all began when I was 24 years old and it hasn't let up, in fact it's just gotten worse, ever since. It's prevented me from working...it's prevented me from even thinking about getting pregnant...it's prevented me from working out like I want to...it's prevented me from living the life that I've always wanted. Granted, I could've still gotten married. I could still live. All in all, I truly believe that I've been blessed to get this disease. It made me slow down. It made me stop and think about where my life was headed. It made me stop and think about what was most important in my life. Ok...I only needed a short break though! I just feel like my life has been on stall. And that's why I don't feel my age. I feel like I'm stuck at 20. I feel like I never got to live in certain ways...that I need to catch up. So many of my friends are married with their children already growing up before my eyes. I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as when I can even think about getting pregnant!! I still have surgeries to think about...pain pills to get off of...physical therapy to endure. I know I still have "time." But the road seems daunting.

I suppose I sound like a Debbie Downer, and I try extremely hard not to be that person. Throughout these past few years, I've always tried to look at the bright side of things. This past Thursday, I found out that there is more disease in my knee. That means more surgery. That means more pain. That means more recovery and physical therapy. I'm tired. I feel plain exhausted. A few days before I found out about this I had just gotten news that I got a full-time job after months of looking for one. Now, I'm not going to be able to work full-time. I'm going to have to re-file for Social Security because when I look at it honestly...I just can't do it. I just can't work 8 hours a day as much as I would want to. So...here we go again. Another round of battle for me. I had a few days of a nice pity party, but now I've got to get off my ass and get with the program. Tomorrow, I've got to go get an MRI of my knee and then go back to the surgeon's office to see how he wants to proceed. Yeah...it's daunting. But what else am I going to do? Be that person who complains every day all day and hides under the covers? Or makes the choice to get out of bed and put my big girl panties on and deal with it already?

Well...I guess I'll go the panties route...but I'm not wearing thongs.